Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Getting Real Over here...

So I went to the dr. on Thursday, just a post D&C check up to see how I am doing. I got on the stinking scale like they make you do at every appointment and low and behold I am 10 pounds more then I've ever been (except pregnancies) I had been feeling pretty bad about myself and also guilty for how much I gained during those first 3 months of pregnancy trying to push back the nausea I had suffered for so long. I've been feeling pretty bad about myself and this was just the cherry on top! I came home and quickly yelled at Larry why he hadn't told me I'd gotten so fat. He rolled his eyes at me and said I looked no different so it was just a hormonal thing. It's been pretty bad, not only did I loose a baby but I got fat and now have no baby to nurse it off or to show for my ever changing body. Also if I hear one more person is pregnant I feel like I might die! I better go to bed, or hit the gym. Let's hope I wake up happy and not fat or circle-y as I use to call it in college.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

A Sleepy Scout

Nothing, and I mean nothing is better then watching a baby sleep. It is the most calming, safe feeling watching this precious baby sleep. I have hundreds of pictures of my sleeping kids. Noah in particular I have a lot of because there is something so nice in watching him so innocent even though he is so crazy when he is awake.

Watching scout the other day sleeping as Larry drove us home from a fun Saturday at the park and lunch made my heart burst. I love watching her tiny features I had to grab a picture. She is growing up so fast before I know it she will be a toddler. I am trying to remember every tiny detail of her. I feel like I just keep shoveling more and more memories into my brain trying to capture it all before she vanishes before my eyes. It is honestly giving me this panicked feeling of how cruel time is and how fast it goes by. It makes me heartsick at times.

For now I will document it all, every sleeping picture and every moment I feel totally content with my life. Oh I much I love this darling girl! We were so blessed when she joined our family!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Instagram Love.

Okay so you all know my goal this year was to better document my family. I have tried to keep this updated and to add things as I remember them so I can look back later on. I have also been keeping my journals for the kids which one day I hope they look at...well I hope they hug and cherish them but lets get real. Anyways I have also for the last 3 or so years posted daily on Instagram. I have loved getting to remember quick moments and share them with friends and family. It is kind of amazing and scary how connected we all are. I do love feeling like I am still in close contact with my best friend Jill who lives in Texas. I love seeing her photos pop up on Instagram and It makes me feel like I'm up to date on her life. We talk lots as well but it's a neat peak into everyday life. I have also found this awesome company that will print my Instagram photos off and send them to me. It is almost no work and I LOVE keeping these books around and feel like I am trying my best to keep our family lives documented.

We had a relief society night a few weeks back about documenting your legacy. The night was dedicated to learning different ways to share your family and life story. Why it is important to keep these memories alive. Sometimes I wonder if I will look back and feel sad, or embarrassed or if I even will care to look back but I know I will regret it I don't try my hardest to get these things down! So kids if your reading this later on in life know that I tried! And Old AnnMarie look at all the things you did to remember this season of your life. Okay that is sad picturing me old..moving on!

Anyways I am so happy for all these ways to keep the memories of our legacy going. We aren't perfect, we fail a lot, I cry and yell too much BUT we love each other and we are slowly making memories and traditions as a family that I do hope will last for generations to come. I personally know how much a good or even worse a bad influence can effect generations. So check us out on instagram..or don't because it is a million pictures of my kids and our everyday life.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Larry's Law School Graduation

Did you guys just read that?? After 4 long years he is finally done with law school! It has been a long journey with  finishing his first year of school down in San Diego to finishing up here in Sacramento. For those of you who didn't know Larry had been working full time at a law firm for the last 4 years then driving downtown to go to school 3-4 nights a week and some Saturdays...for the last 4 years! In those years we have moved and had 2 babies. It has been crazy and almost at times comical. I have fallen into a routine with him being gone so often people will ask me how I will feel when he is finally home and I think I have no clue, it will be weird to introduce him back into our routine but I am so excited for all the extra help in those long evenings. It is particularly hard to juggle bathing 3 kids and putting them to bed alone not to mention FHE and the one night a week I am at mutual which my mom so graciously has watched them for the last 3 years almost.

The actual graduation was hectic and crazy. It was right in the middle of naps and we were having lots of conflicts with different parties going on in the late afternoon. We got there just in time to snap a family photo then get our seats. The ceremony was long and both boys fell asleep on the ground. We actually had to leave a tiny bit early to get Max to a birthday party he had been dying to go to so I snuck out early with all three kids to get Max there so we didn't see Larry go across the stage but its fine the boys were totally clueless to what was happening. My parents and grandpa came as well to support which was nice.

Later that night we had a big open house celebration for Larry. The house was totally decorated with big posters and signs grandpa made and we had lots of people come and go and congratulate the grad! We could not have done this without all the friends and family that supported us during these years. It was a fun night to remember and to also acknowledge what a big deal this actually was! Sometimes I would get grumpy over the years and feel like it was so long with was anti climactic but my mom made it clear it was something that needed to be celebrated and so we partied hard!

I really am so proud of Larry and all the balancing he has had to do over the years. We've come a long way and we are almost done! Larry plans to take the California Bar in July and continue back at his firm in August. He is taking 10 weeks off to study and take this massive life changing test. I try my best to not ponder on the test and just encourage and be supportive...it's all on him to pass and I know he can do it! He is taking a big study class for 8 weeks and not working just to prepare for it! So everyone wish us luck we are almost there!!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mothers Day 2015

I have been a mother now for almost 5 years. Where has the time gone? and I also have SO many more years of mothering to do, really a lifetime more! Motherhood in one word is exhausting. In a million more words it is the best most selfless, crazy, endless, rewarding, loving, silly, messy, sad, exciting, nerve racking, constantly praying job I have ever done.

Being a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I've made wonderful friends, brought out talents I never knew I had, dug deep within me, and the love...there is so much love. It is so hard to really describe the love I have for my children. I now know why sometimes It was hard for my mom to accurately tell me about it all. It is one of those crazy things where some little human is driving you nuts maybe crying for no real reason, made a huge mess, ruined your favorite thing, almost brought you to tears type scenario, and then they do something so cute or loving you just melt, and all those things are forgotten. The love is powerful the connection is so strong.

I am so blessed to be called a mom! It is scary to raise these humans to give it all up and try to give them the very best life possible. What if they get ruined? What if they mess up? What if I mess them up? What if they get scared, bullied, are afraid? What if I can't help them? It is the endless what ifs that keep me up at night. I constantly worry for my children...I understand a mothers prayer.

My heart pleads that they will feel and know my love. I hope they remember all the times I took them to the park, the zoo, let them have a special treat, took them swimming and not all the bad things. The time I put them in time out 10 times in one day (well lets hope they learned that lesson) , the time I cried in the car because I just couldn't go on. That time I shoved them into their room and locked myself in the bathroom just to sit in quiet for a second...this job is hard.

I read stacks of parenting books giving me ideas on how to help them be responsible, happy, independent children. I read books on how to communicate with them and how to understand their developing brain. I want so badly to be the very best I can be so that they can be the very best I know they can become! But I am just me, imperfect mother as they come. Sometimes I let them watch too much TV or let them not clean their room because the battle is not worth it. I try to relish in the endless lego battle I am facing and think I know someday I will miss coming down to some lego scene on the kitchen counter. I know I will miss the hands pulling on my clothes, the snot rubbed into my shoulder from holding the baby on my hip. My brain and heart know I will miss it all, but somedays...the hard days I want them to end. I dream of the independence age brings..no more diapers, no more missing pacifiers or bottles. What a dream!

And yet my heart aches for the baby that was lost...a person who won't be in our family. My mother heart prays to be blessed with more! My mother heart wants a baby constantly on her hip, a tiny face to whip down, and little chubby fingers and toes to kiss. My mother heart has more love to give.

I tell my children constantly how much I love them. I think it is important for them to hear it, sure they may take if for granite but they will know and feel their love form me. I think that is the most important thing a mother can give their child...unconditional love. I might not be good at all things but that one I've been working hard on giving to them.

This mothers day I felt sad and happy. I was tired I had thrown a baby shower, a big mothers day evening for young women's, and then a graduation party for Larry. It was a week where I felt I just kept giving and giving and by the time Sunday rolled around I just wanted to crawl in bed for the day.  We had a nice time at church and the boys gave me a sweet card. The one thing I wanted was a picture of us all and I was able to get that! I love that we honor moms, that kids and husbands know how important we are. Everyone has a roll to play in a family and the moms the glue that holds it all together! I'm trying my best along with Larry to keep our family strong and filled with love.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there! It takes a village to raise a child and I am surrounded by the best moms around. I know my children are loved not only by my, but by their village. It's an amazing feeling to know my kids are safe, and happy and love. It's a mothers dream! Thank you all.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Larry's 32!!

Happy birthday to Larry!! 32 seems old. Ha! We didn't do too much for the big day because I had just had my d&c done that week. Friday night my mom watched the kids while I took him shopping and to dinner! It is so nice to get away and have a quite meal. It was some kids proms so it was fun to watch all the girls in their way to short dresses try to maneuver through the restaurant. We did meet all our friends at the park on his actual birthday (Sunday) and have root beer floats. The next day for FHE we had cake and ice cream with the Martin and Harris cousins and then that weekend we saw Avengers and went to Cheesecake factory with the adults. It was a fun night to get away and to celebrate Larry. I was glad we celebrated 3 times to keep our minds from being sad. We are gearing up for graduation in 2 weeks and I think Larry is pretty excited to say the least! Happy Birthday to the best husband and dad around here! 32 is a big year for you!!

Friday, April 24, 2015

A miscarriage

Larry and I found out in early February we were surprisingly excepting another sweet baby! I just laughed when I took the pregnancy test and saw a plus sign appear. Of course I was pregnant amidst a crazy time for us and the other fact that baby Scout was just 6 months old. I was really nervous trying to wrap by head around having a 15 month old and a new baby and then the nausea set in and I was just grumpy I was doing this so soon. We tried to go out for my birthday and I couldn't handle all the smells. I had been pregnant my last birthday and now one year later pregnant again. It was hard to cope taking care of the kids and wanting to crawl in a hole. But I also was getting pretty excited the idea of a new little baby. My first appointment was smooth sailing and then I didn't go in for awhile because I was sick and busy. I went in for a 15 week appointment and to my shock and devastation I found out the baby had stopped growing around 10 weeks. What was even more worse is that I had continued to get sick and my bump was starting to grow. My poor body couldn't figure out that they baby had died and the pregnancy was no longer happening. At first I was numb, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I quickly left the office and called Larry. It took me awhile to tell him what had happened. I had to calm myself enough to pick up Max from preschool then get the word out. I texted Cortney to ask if she would pass the word along. I was far along enough that people knew and I think one of the worst parts was having to face people and tell them the news.

The next few days were a blur of sadness and another Dr. appointment to talk about options. Once I knew that the baby was gone I wanted it out as soon as possible. I wanted to heal and move on. A week after I had found out I went in for a d&c. I woke up after the procedure to some pain and was pretty out of it for the next 2 days on pain meds. I had a few break downs and cried alot but I had to remember I have 3 beautiful healthy children and a sweet baby scout to hold and kiss, she is still such a baby. My mom helped a lot as well as people dropping by things from the ward. It was nice to not have to talk to people but to know they were thinking of our lose. It is such an awful thing the anticipation of a new baby and then in a second life changes and that little one is not coming to you, and you have to switch gears.

One of the saddest parts was when I was in bed, Max came in and needed me to do something. I wasn't able to move and asked if he could wait. He was so upset he said all's I did was lay around in bed and stormed off. It stung. He has seen me be morning sick for 3 months and now dealing with this, something his little mind can't comprehend and he was upset. I felt so bad, I still do. I remember thinking when I was so nauseous I can only do this to my kids so many more times, at least Max who is the only one that will really remember me being pregnant all those times kinda of understands but losing a baby he has never seen was to much for him to understand. We told him the baby was coming later then we thought not before Halloween but maybe in the spring. He didn't understand and still asks my why my belly isn't getting big.

We hope that I can heal and then hopefully be blessed with another baby soon. I have realized what a true blessing it is to have healthy pregnancies and babies. I have been so blessed and probably took it for granite most of the time. I know truly realize what a miracle it all is and how lucky we are. I pray we can have more children and that I can be more sympathetic to anyone who has to deal with something life this.