Friday, April 24, 2015

A miscarriage

Larry and I found out in early February we were surprisingly excepting another sweet baby! I just laughed when I took the pregnancy test and saw a plus sign appear. Of course I was pregnant amidst a crazy time for us and the other fact that baby Scout was just 6 months old. I was really nervous trying to wrap by head around having a 15 month old and a new baby and then the nausea set in and I was just grumpy I was doing this so soon. We tried to go out for my birthday and I couldn't handle all the smells. I had been pregnant my last birthday and now one year later pregnant again. It was hard to cope taking care of the kids and wanting to crawl in a hole. But I also was getting pretty excited the idea of a new little baby. My first appointment was smooth sailing and then I didn't go in for awhile because I was sick and busy. I went in for a 15 week appointment and to my shock and devastation I found out the baby had stopped growing around 10 weeks. What was even more worse is that I had continued to get sick and my bump was starting to grow. My poor body couldn't figure out that they baby had died and the pregnancy was no longer happening. At first I was numb, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I quickly left the office and called Larry. It took me awhile to tell him what had happened. I had to calm myself enough to pick up Max from preschool then get the word out. I texted Cortney to ask if she would pass the word along. I was far along enough that people knew and I think one of the worst parts was having to face people and tell them the news.

The next few days were a blur of sadness and another Dr. appointment to talk about options. Once I knew that the baby was gone I wanted it out as soon as possible. I wanted to heal and move on. A week after I had found out I went in for a d&c. I woke up after the procedure to some pain and was pretty out of it for the next 2 days on pain meds. I had a few break downs and cried alot but I had to remember I have 3 beautiful healthy children and a sweet baby scout to hold and kiss, she is still such a baby. My mom helped a lot as well as people dropping by things from the ward. It was nice to not have to talk to people but to know they were thinking of our lose. It is such an awful thing the anticipation of a new baby and then in a second life changes and that little one is not coming to you, and you have to switch gears.

One of the saddest parts was when I was in bed, Max came in and needed me to do something. I wasn't able to move and asked if he could wait. He was so upset he said all's I did was lay around in bed and stormed off. It stung. He has seen me be morning sick for 3 months and now dealing with this, something his little mind can't comprehend and he was upset. I felt so bad, I still do. I remember thinking when I was so nauseous I can only do this to my kids so many more times, at least Max who is the only one that will really remember me being pregnant all those times kinda of understands but losing a baby he has never seen was to much for him to understand. We told him the baby was coming later then we thought not before Halloween but maybe in the spring. He didn't understand and still asks my why my belly isn't getting big.

We hope that I can heal and then hopefully be blessed with another baby soon. I have realized what a true blessing it is to have healthy pregnancies and babies. I have been so blessed and probably took it for granite most of the time. I know truly realize what a miracle it all is and how lucky we are. I pray we can have more children and that I can be more sympathetic to anyone who has to deal with something life this.

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