I've been thinking a lot. Life is hard, and I am a little sick of it.
As I was sitting in my bathroom crying last night while my sweet Mr. was putting the baby down I realized so many of my fervent prayers have gone unanswered. I feel lost and a little alone. I've been frusterated and feeling like I am losing my faith a bit. I understand that not all my prayers will be answered but at the moment I feel like they are being ignored.
My husband has given me many O talks about prayer and faith but really I don't want to hear that, I just want everything to work out..is that so hard to ask? We do EVERYTHING I feel like we are suppose to do and try our hardest so where is the love?
I know I know I am healthy, I have a healthy baby and a roof over my head and food to eat but I just want to catch a break...ya know? And on top of that I feel emense guilt for not being grateful for that and just that.
Anyway these things have been weighing on my mind. Its hard. Life is...really if I knew mortality would be this way I am not so sure I would have chosen this plan :)
Am I alone out there? Does anyone cry on their bathroom floor from time to time? Does anyone feel like what the heck am I doing here?
One last thing. Today in church this women spoke about a storm coming in your life. Bad things happen whether it be a long drizzle or a down poor it comes. I thought dang that is right...My life is a long painful drizzle at times and she mentioned that some blessings don't come till after this life...oh boy. I don't know how I feel about that.
more to ponder about I guess...and keep praying even if they are being ignored :)
i love reading your blog cause its so honest and makes me feel like im not the ONLY one out there that thinks the same things you think!! I hope things get easier!
ReplyDeleteOh Ann Marie :( Have you ever considered going on medication or counseling? I've done both myself at different times in my life. I was especially depressed after I had Justin, living far away from my family, having no friends, with a husband working 12 hours a day, being cooped up with a newborn in February. I'm not saying medication solves everything but it could take the edge off. Allow you to deal better. Just something to consider. It will get better though. I've had many days like you describe its hard not to dwell on them. Just try to remember the good days. Give Max lots of kisses and dance with him it will cheer you up! Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I am sure there are many of us who cry on our bathroom floors (although my spot of choice is the empty bedroom floor). You have many people who love you.
ReplyDeleteKeep praying! I identify with the crying in the bathroom...or closet. ha. The blessings didn't come for awhile, but I like to think Heavenly Father was testing me to see how committed I was to pray to him every day, multiple times a day! He was helping me build my faith, but boy it was hard! I think I passed because life got a whole lot better. You can do it!
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