A miscarriage

Larry and I found out in early February we were surprisingly excepting another sweet baby! I just laughed when I took the pregnancy test and saw a plus sign appear. Of course I was pregnant amidst a crazy time for us and the other fact that baby Scout was just 6 months old. I was really nervous trying to wrap by head around having a 15 month old and a new baby and then the nausea set in and I was just grumpy I was doing this so soon. We tried to go out for my birthday and I couldn't handle all the smells. I had been pregnant my last birthday and now one year later pregnant again. It was hard to cope taking care of the kids and wanting to crawl in a hole. But I also was getting pretty excited the idea of a new little baby. My first appointment was smooth sailing and then I didn't go in for awhile because I was sick and busy. I went in for a 15 week appointment and to my shock and devastation I found out the baby had stopped growing around 10 weeks. What was even more worse is that I had continued to get sick and my bump was starting to grow. My poor body couldn't figure out that they baby had died and the pregnancy was no longer happening. At first I was numb, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I quickly left the office and called Larry. It took me awhile to tell him what had happened. I had to calm myself enough to pick up Max from preschool then get the word out. I texted Cortney to ask if she would pass the word along. I was far along enough that people knew and I think one of the worst parts was having to face people and tell them the news.

The next few days were a blur of sadness and another Dr. appointment to talk about options. Once I knew that the baby was gone I wanted it out as soon as possible. I wanted to heal and move on. A week after I had found out I went in for a d&c. I woke up after the procedure to some pain and was pretty out of it for the next 2 days on pain meds. I had a few break downs and cried alot but I had to remember I have 3 beautiful healthy children and a sweet baby scout to hold and kiss, she is still such a baby. My mom helped a lot as well as people dropping by things from the ward. It was nice to not have to talk to people but to know they were thinking of our lose. It is such an awful thing the anticipation of a new baby and then in a second life changes and that little one is not coming to you, and you have to switch gears.

One of the saddest parts was when I was in bed, Max came in and needed me to do something. I wasn't able to move and asked if he could wait. He was so upset he said all's I did was lay around in bed and stormed off. It stung. He has seen me be morning sick for 3 months and now dealing with this, something his little mind can't comprehend and he was upset. I felt so bad, I still do. I remember thinking when I was so nauseous I can only do this to my kids so many more times, at least Max who is the only one that will really remember me being pregnant all those times kinda of understands but losing a baby he has never seen was to much for him to understand. We told him the baby was coming later then we thought not before Halloween but maybe in the spring. He didn't understand and still asks my why my belly isn't getting big.

We hope that I can heal and then hopefully be blessed with another baby soon. I have realized what a true blessing it is to have healthy pregnancies and babies. I have been so blessed and probably took it for granite most of the time. I know truly realize what a miracle it all is and how lucky we are. I pray we can have more children and that I can be more sympathetic to anyone who has to deal with something life this.

Easter Weekend 2015

Conference landed this year on Easter weekend so we spent the better part of Saturday listening to the sessions. The boys napped and played with legos so I was able to hear some talks. In the late afternoon we met up with the cousins to do an easter egg hunt. It was a nice warm afternoon and perfect for the kids to hunt some eggs and to play all together. We are so lucky to have all these cousins near by and to do so many things with them. I love getting to sit around and talk while the boys play and the girl cousins take scout and go off with her to give her endless attention.

The next morning the boys slept in which is abnormal but were very excited for their easter baskets. We don't do too large so it takes away the true celebration of Easter but it was fun to munch on their candy while they played with some new ninja turtle toys.

Max really gets the meaning of Easter and has learned a lot about Jesus and the resurrection. He was only slightly confused as to why his Great Grandma Draper who passed away years ago doesn't live with us and he kept telling Great Grandpa Draper that his wife would be resurrected at Easter and come to live with us in our house. He didn't understand why she wasn't here because it was Easter! Such a sweet spirit and sentiment from a 4 year old. We had to tell him that everyone will be resurrected when Jesus comes again, I don't know how satisfied he was with that answer but he finally stopped asking where she was. I love how concerned he is for Grandpa Draper.

I am grateful I get to share my testimony with my children daily of my believe in Jesus Christ, but It is extra special to share it on Easter. It is also extra special when we get to hear the gospel messages from our church leaders on Easter and to hear our dear prophet President Monson speak. He is looking old and tired but still such a love for the members our of church and a stead fast testimony in our redeemer.

Because of Jesus Christ I am forgiven of my sins, because of him I can live again with my family and because of him I can be a mother. I have a burning testimony that Jesus Christ lived and walked on this earth. That he was the perfect example and through him we can all be made whole, all the wrongs can be made right and we can return to live in heaven again.

I hope to teach my children these things, I hope I can help them gain a testimony and to know what a celebration Easter is! I hope that can feel their saviors love for them! Oh how I love this family of mine! Look how big they are getting?!